Frustration and confusion

I have been rather frustrated recently.  Actually, let me be really honest: I have been very frustrated for a long time.  For those of you who don't know me too well, I have been having this issue with my voice where I cannot sing correctly in my lower register after a short time.  My voice starts flickering in and out and I just simply cannot sing the notes.  As a music major, this is a huge problem.  I have been to Vanderbilt's incredible voice center and worked with a few different vocal coaches and even though I have a general idea of what is going on, I have no idea how to fix it.  This summer, I told myself that I would work on singing mostly in my chest voice in order to help re-train my vocal folds.  Did I work on this?  A little, yes.  But mostly, no.

I found this summer that I just can't bring myself to face the fact that I have so much work and frustration ahead of me.  This issue has been going on ever since my freshman year of college, and for the most part, I have largely tried to ignore it, but I just can't anymore.  I hate singing in seminar when I know my voice isn't going to hold up.  I know that my peers and professors are there to help, but I hate knowing that I can't give my performance my best, as hard as I try.  I hate starting into a voice lesson and half way through, my voice starts giving out.  I hear the familiar, "Is it happening again?"  and I always reply, "yeahhh..."  I hate knowing that in the spring, I am going to have to give a 25-minute senior recital that as of now, I can't even make it through without having voice issues.  I know classical music isn't my future and I know that if I just make it though this next year to graduation, I technically would never have to sing again.  But, I miss it.  I miss singing in the worship band at church.  I miss blasting the radio and singing at the top of my lungs.  I miss picking out beautiful harmonies and being able to sing them without my voice messing up.

When I came to Belmont, I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I knew I loved music, so I picked a major in that.  Over the last few years, God taught and I tried to listen, and I ended up adding a major in religion.  I found where I belong.  I love studying my faith and theology and the world, but though all of this, I never lost my love of music.  I thought maybe I would want to be a worship leader at a church and even did an internship at CLC.  But, then I remembered my voice issues.  How would I lead a congregation through a worship set when I can't even sing unhindered for 20 minutes?  As willing as the spirit is, the flesh is definitely weak.

I wonder, maybe, if God is pulling me away from the music side and more toward the religion side.  Am I not called to do music?  As much as I love it, I would be ok with this.  I could see myself being a college minister or maybe even a youth minister.  I would love to work with women.  I am interested in counseling, even though I have no degree.  I have a possibility of grad school ahead of me, where I could study many different aspects of religion.  I would be ok with not having a career that involved music.  I just wish I didn't have this frustrating and agonizing year ahead of me that involved a lot of music that I can't even sing.  Could I just drop my music major back to a minor?  I could and I would be done.  But, my parents have spent a lot of extra money on me (that they don't have) to take extra summer classes and bigger loads so I could graduate with two majors.  This weighs heavily on my conscience.  Also, I only have a few more classes until I have my major.  Is it worth sticking it out?

Very long story short, I am frustrated.  I have a lot of questions and not many answers.  I am trying to empty myself to find leading from God, but this is so hard sometimes.  Prayers are very very much appreciated.  I'll leave you with a few verses that I am trying to meditate on...

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.  [Romans 8:28]

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.  [Proverbs 3:5-6]

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  [2 Corinthians 12:9]